In Order of Desire

I woke at 5:30 this morning to drive Hakeem to the airport. Came home and climbed back into my still warm bed. Fed the cats. Fed Moses. Took him to school.

Now I have a day wide open. I protected this time on purpose, having felt the frenetic energy of late Spring and the propulsion of activity that could run me ragged by the month's end if I don't slow down now.

Now that it's today, I'm remembering why I usually avoid these totally unstructured days. They trigger my productivity complex. If they are unstructured yet productive, cool. I start with a to do list that barely fits on the page, I often rush through and get a ton done. But.. if they are unstructured and solely for my restoration and enjoyment, they make me anxious. Guilty even. It's cliche and entrenched in our culture. Knowing this, the should do's still tend to crowd out the want to do's in my mind. I subconsciously seek out a way to justify my existence by nightfall. As though everything is measured by my contributions. As if I only exist in relation to others. Not to mention, I've already shown up and tended to my loved ones today before the sun was high in the sky. Women take care of so much without even clocking it.

I don't want to slip into a productive sabbatical. I want to dabble, at most. I want to be exhausted not because of overextending, but because I've been so immersed in the things I love that keep me in motion. It's the kind of gentle slow burn that enables me me sleep like the dead rather than my recurring dreams of impossible and irritating side quests. Deep presence, deep play, deep rest. Why not.

How I nearly spent my open day, out of habit:
Workout
Run more laundry
Finish organizing my closet
Answer emails
Complete that annoying accounting task
Take a load of donations to the thrift store
Have an orgasm :)

I'm going to try something else. There are several WANT to do's that are more deserving of my precious time. I'm going to choose how to spend my time in order of desire.

What I actually want to do today:

Write – check.
Take a walk
Play guitar, without a time limit
Make a giant smoothie
Call a friend
Watch a film in Spanish
Tinker with my lamps
Still have an orgasm... several actually
Take a nap
Get a new Bird of Paradise
Research e-bikes

My assignment today is to flow through my day in order of desire. Take as long as I want on each thing. Let the other things go undone for now. See what my body says. Ignore the productivity impulses.

I've lived through so many productive, forgettable days. Today is going to be sweet enough to remember.